By Marlisa McLaughlin
“Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed.” — Thich Nhat Hahn
We may know how emotions feel and how they affect us, but do we know exactly what they are? The Latin derivative for the word emotion, ‘emotere’, literally means energy in motion. This definition lends itself well to see grief through the lens of subtle energy.
In the initial entry of the Grief in Motion Series, I invited a shift in perspective when coping with loss. I suggested that we deal with grief by way of understanding and treating emotions simply as a flow of subtle energy. When we shift from feeling our feelings of loss to dealing with the emotional component of loss, we can increase our ability to keep our energy flowing. Let’s take a look at the difference between feelings and emotions first:
Emotions are bodily reactions that are activated through neurotransmitters and hormones released by the brain, feelings are the conscious experience of emotional reactions. Feelings are sparked by emotions and shaped by personal experiences, beliefs, memories, and thoughts linked to that particular emotion.
When we are feeling our feelings, we are immersed in the memories connected to our loved one. This can be a slippery slope, as one memory can quickly lead to another. Another memory can restimulate your grieving experience by creating a chemical reaction in your brain that tells your body to respond.
And although you may need to follow your memories and be in that flow of grief for some time, if the energy isn’t flowing that grief isn’t going. Eventually, the energy dams up and our vitality and resilience wanes. But there is a burst of hope with a recent insight shared by neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, author of My Stroke of Insight.
She created the 90-second rule:
“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.” Although the word “choose” feels entirely inappropriate when we’re talking about our loss, the science end here can really help us to take a step back—when we are ready to do so–and actually use that insight to help us find our way to breathing deeper and keeping our energy flowing.
I suggested three important assets to consider when coping with grief via the subtle energy lens:
A willingness to feel the pain of loss as it shows up in the moment.
An openness to bearing witness to the breath.
A readiness to learn a basic understanding of our subtle energy system.
If you are able to embody these qualities, you are more likely to find your own way through the heavier aspects of your grief. If our grieving experiences have repeatedly led you to feel as though “this is simply the way grief feels,” it is likely that the energy in motion is not in motion enough to shift your perspective and help to change the way in which you are grieving. Let’s take a look at these three qualities and find our unique way through our grieving experiences.
A Willingness to Feel the Pain of Loss As It Shows Up in the Moment
Our emotional reactions to loss are often triggered by something outside ourselves. This can make our emotional expression very complicated. Bursting into tears feels very different alone in the safety of your home than it does in a public space. We are often compelled to try and shut it down somehow to avoid even more discomfort. The same can still be true even when we are alone.
Again–and I can’t emphasize this enough–it’s vital to allow yourself to feel your feelings and work through your grief in your own way. Mourning our loss may very well be one of the most sacred of all human experiences. In this space we acknowledge and honor our loved one. There is a natural sense of what is most important in our lives when death enters our realm. We are not only faced with our loss but also our own mortality. It can be a time of questioning and reevaluating what we value, why we do what we do, and see how our choices have affected us.
This is a tall order for anyone, nevermind a person in duress over loss. Our physical bodies undergo such stress while mourning. Even the strongest of immune systems and the fittest of fit can decline seemingly in that instant of initial loss. Recovering or building our health as we grieve is entirely dependent upon how we grieve.
If the initial 90 seconds flow into more minutes, hours, days or more, there’s a good possibility that the energy system is running slowly or is backed up somewhere in the system. So when we are feeling the feelings we may actually need to shut the feeling down. This pain, the blocked emotional energy, needs to go somewhere. It can be absorbed into your body, for instance. Studies show that “broken heart syndrome” is real.
“Intense grief sometimes leads to a different heart problem: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy [is] a condition that mimics a heart attack with symptoms such as chest pain and shortness of breath.”
So feeling the feeling may trigger a number of different responses that can be very challenging to “feel through.” If we have come to a place where we don’t know how to be any other way, or we can’t stop crying, or we don’t have an appetite, or we just can’t seem to find our way beyond the unwanted place we are at, then a natural response to that would be to try not to feel the feelings anymore, right?
But grief can be relentless. We need to feel the feeling and do something that can possibly transform the way in which we experience it. Because the grief represents the bond we have with our loved one. We will hold it in our hearts forever. And thank goodness for that. Okay, so what can we do?
Be Open to Bearing Witness to the Breath
A shift of perspective can help us to shift our sorrow. Working with the subtle energy system not only gets to the root of how our bodies process emotion, it also makes room for us to take a conscious breath and provide relief and respite in a moment when we most need it in order to keep our energy flowing. This one conscious breath can be the first in a series of breaths that help to unblocked trapped energy flow.
Our Western culture doesn’t really encourage public emotional expression of the more challenging emotions like grief, anger, or jealousy, to name a few. In fact, there is a lot of unspoken oppression connected to the expression or open acknowledgement of these emotions. I’ve heard many people state that they simply don’t know how to be amongst non-grieving people. Even the most natural of activities, like breathing, can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Back a couple decades ago when I was actively teaching yoga, it took some coaxing to get people to audibly release deep breaths. Heavy sighs in public often get the “what’s wrong?” response, when actually, it is all about what’s right. Our bodies should be releasing all the breath. That is how we maintain a healthy flow of energy.
The air we breathe is actually fuel for the subtle energy system. “Just about all the air you breathe has some quantity of ions. Ions are charged particles in the air; some negatively charged (Negative Ions) and some positively charged (Positive Ions) .”
In trying to avoid a heavy dose of science here, I just want to point out that we are electromagnetic beings and we need charge in order to live. As Eileen Day McKusick, globally recognized and respected founder of the Biofield Tuning Institute, states: “We are like batteries. Our bodies are mostly electricity and salt water.”
Our breath is a top priority. Many of us don’t even breathe deeply enough to fully charge our systems. We are a community of shallow breathers living in a stressful, fast moving, body-tense world. We tighten up and restrict our breath and often don’t even realize that we are doing so.
In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the lungs are believed to be connected to grief. It’s not uncommon for people to get diagnosed with pneumonia after loss. At a pre-scheduled annual check-up a week after my father’s death, my doctor discovered that I had it while listening to my lungs. I hadn’t felt sick and I have very strong lungs, but I wasn’t surprised because I’d been writing about grief since the onset of my father’s terminal illness through to his passing five months later.
Using our breath during that first 90 second run of biological response is vital in changing the way in which we grieve. Yes, taking a deep breath is most important but you can get an even more effective response when you learn a bit about the subtle energy system and apply your intention to that breath.
Have a Readiness to Learn a Basic Understanding of our Subtle Energy System
From a place of suffering, grief and science don’t seem to belong on the same planet. I understand this thought viscerally, as I was in a state of anticipatory grief (more on that in my next blog) when I began composing my book on grieving. It was literally tormenting to try and offer a science-based approach to dealing with loss when I was holding an audience of heartbroken people in need in my heart. How do I reach the most forlorn and at the same time, those who have stored grief deep in their cells? I gradually made my way, but when it came time to organize the material and get ready to publish, my brain simply would not organize.
The science behind this is that I needed time to integrate my own grief before I could share how I managed to create a viable way. I started the book at the beginning of my father’s terminal diagnosis as a means of coping.
Even after my theater experience (see: Grief in Motion Series) I still couldn’t put it all together. I had blocked flow, writer’s blocked flow caused by grief. But I use a simple metaphor which suits the purpose. Hopefully it will be enough to help you breathe with specific intention–for that is key in releasing blocked energy here.
Entry One in the Grief in Motion Series gently offers a possible answer to the question: What happens when emotional energy is not in motion? My saving grace was the birth of this analogy between the flow of city traffic and the flow of subtle energy.
If the city’s Central Station is likened to the heart center (our emotional processing center) and the network of roadways surrounding the station are akin to the pathways of subtle energy, imagine how gridlock can occur if all the taxi cabs (carriers of energy/emotion) simultaneously head back to the station.
The initial experience of loss is like an urgent call from the switchboard operator to all the city taxis. Each and every emotion heads to the center simultaneously and hence the gridlock. It’s no wonder why the world seems to stand still when we learn of our loss. In a way, it actually does. How we move through our grief has a lot to do with how we move–or can’t/don’t move–our energy.
Unblocking stuck energy does not mean that you’ll lose your connection with your loved one or minimize your relationship with them. It simply means that you are more able to maintain your vital energy flow as you experience a surge of grief.
You might be questioning whether simply shifting your perspective can actually help? Can this actually work for you? It’s important to consider how you are feeling and dealing with your loss at the moment. This may or may not be the right time to shift your perspective. Our grieving experiences are entirely unique to us. Our ways of dealing with life began in the womb. Our physical bodies have been developing neural pathways and biological patterns since the time of our conception. These patterns have been affected by so many factors, such as: genetic inheritance, environmental influence, cultural and gender bias and a whole lot more.
There is no timeline or manual for grieving, and there are no shortcuts. Grieving is not a process with a beginning and an end. It is a series of experiences in which we learn how to best deal and cope. Each surge of grief is a unique and separate experience. We may repeatedly respond in the same or in similar ways for a stretch of time, but gradually the experience changes. Gradually we become more and more capable of coping with grief.
We learn how to integrate our loss as it passes through our physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and energetic selves in a way that does not detract and debilitate our health and sense of vitality, hopefully to begin to return to or create new familial and social networks. There are so many factors that affect how and when we begin to do so.
It is my hope for you that you find your way.
Marlisa Mclaughlin is the Green Ink Radio host of Energy Amplified! Her work as an Integrative Health professional specializing in Energy Dynamics spans three decades. She co-produces the SEC-TV/YouTube series, Health Buzz-Perspectives on Natural Health and Healing.
A native New Englander and a naturalized citizen of Iceland. She lived in Iceland for seventeen years, where her energy work and her two fabulous daughters were born. Marlisa also had the pleasure of being a whale watching guide sixty nautical miles south of the Arctic Circle.